Dice-K heals sixty years of suffering.

By now we are all aware of the myriad war crimes committed by the Japanese Empire during the Second World War. The Rape of Nanking, the Bataan Death March, the huge sex slave industry that flourished in the Emperor's Military. Not to mention the generally cold and ruthless way which that most tyrannical of regimes went about treating both its prisoners and the inhabitants of the lands it occupied. For a long time since, Japan has born that guilt to some degree, as have all the nations which fought on the wrong side of history in history's bloodiest war. Is there anything that can absolve the Japanese state, and the Japanese people, of guilt for these terrible crimes? Yes, yes there is. And he is named Dice-K.

Most Red Sox fans are enthusiastic about him, and for good reason. However, not enthusiastic enough, in my opinion. In his opening game against the Royals this past week, Dice threw 108 pitches in seven innings, giving up a paltry one run and striking out ten batters, as the Sox marched to a 4-1 victory. Our enemies were laid out before us, and we heard the lamentations of their women. Especially when contrasted with the sad and sick performances thrown up by the rest of the Sox pitching staff so far in this young season, it is clear that number 18 has done more, much more, in fact, than enough to redeem Japan for its terrible, terrible, crimes. As a matter of fact, I suggest we follow the Japanese government's recent lead, and remove them from our history lessons altogether. Japan's prime minister, Shinzo Abe, is obviously a wise man with the gift of foresight.

Now, some students may be incredulous. What about the historically brutal way in which the Koreans were treated by Japan's imperial war machine? Well, to that I say this: Byung-Hyun Kim. He had his chance to solidify Korean greatness. And what did he do? He screwed us in the playoffs, thats what. And now the US-South Korean alliance is at a historic low point, and we are continuously on the edge of war with the North. What a shocker. Nobody could have predicted it. Nobody, that is, except for Byung-Hyun Kim. If North Korea should ever actually acquire a nuclear weapon, I think its safe to say that he ought be held personally responsible. His terrible pitching has brought humanity one step closer to extinction.

As for any Germans reading this, don't get your hopes up. You'll need to deliver at least another World Series before we even think about the holocaust.